Thursday, September 29, 2011

You've got a frond

I think I've now recovered enough from our magical mystery tour of Europe, seeing friends relatives and meeting the world's cutest nephew, in order to get back to talking nonsense about the minutaie of life in Dubai.

We've started to regard the fairylight covered palm trees that line the road that leads past Dubai Mall and our home with some fondness.

They're quite symbolic, these palm trees, of what it's like living in a city that thrives on a special showiness that is a cross between Las Vegas and downtown Marrakech (not that I've been to Marrakech, mind).





When we both arrived, me about four months after the Sand Warlock, we both thought, "erm, those are a wee bit naff, aren't they? What with all the fairylights and everything." And then as you get used to them and the slight naffness and the slightly worrying waste of energy involved in keeping them lit 24/7, you start to think, "you know, I think I was a little harsh on the palm trees with fairy lights, in fact, I think all palm trees should be arranged in regimented lines along boulevards and festooned with fairylights. Aren't they pretty?"

Returning from our two and a half weeks in cooler climes, we discovered that the palm trees have gained some friends, or what I can only described as white fronds sticking out of the ground next to them.  In fact, we saw a man fixing them into place the night after we got back.  Closer inspection showed that these fronds are also covered in fairylights, as you can't really see from my somewhat blurry Blackberry pic. 

That's the thing about Dubai that makes me chortle on an almost daily basis.  Someone has obviously looked at those palm trees and thought: "You know what those palm trees that are already covered in fairylights need? Some more fairylights, that's what. Excessive? I simply don't know the meaning of the word, me."  I think that said fairylight covered fronds, which are not lit yet, are there to celebrate something or other, possibly the vintage car event during which they park lots of lovely vintage cars down the boulevard and no one steals them or vandalises them,(strange, I know, but that's what it's like here) or possibly for this year's National Day, on December 2, which is likely to be something of a big deal due to it being the 40th anniversary of the founding of the UAE.

No doubt all will be revealed depending on the date on which the frond lights are switched on but I wouldn't be surprised if they are there to celebrate nothing in particular but just for the hell of it.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Have fun down at the "beeeeeeep" garden

Oh how I chuckled listening to Dubai 92 this morning on the way to pick the other half up from work.

And not just at presenter Geordie Bird's "interview from hell" with Liam Gallagher (we've all been there, peeps, I still get palpitations when I hear the admittedly slightly less rock and roll name "Lionel Blair").

No, what made me chortle was at a commercial for the Red Lion at the Metropolitan Hotel's "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" garden.

That's right, you're not allowed to mention the word "beer" on air in case you cause offence.  For the same reason, you'll see adverts that mention wine worded as "grape based beverages" or beer as "hop".

To prove that my life doesn't solely revolve around booze-related amusements, although, that's a large part of it what with it being the Sand Warlock's job, I'll tell you what else I've been up to today.

I will now have to revise my mantra of "no, we don't get free samples because the watches cost thousands" when I tell people that one of my current occupations, apart from Jumeirah Jane, self-facilitating media node and general pain in the jacksie, is writing about Swiss watches.

This being because I met the brains behind this up and coming brand today at the not at all sycophantically named One and Only Royal Mirage Palace Hotel and he was kind enough to give me one of his watches.  No, it's not worth thousands but it's safe to say that these watches cost far more than him indoors or I would ever spend on one.

Unluckily for me it's a bit too heavy for me to wear so I'm going to give it to the Sand Warlock when he emerges from his day time sleep as long as he promises not to lose it.  That should cheer him up about being on night shifts and you lot get to find out before he does. Isn't that exciting? Cor Blimey the miracles of the modern age.

Here is my not very good picture of it that I took on my phone in the car:



I won't pass judgement on the One and Only Royal Mirage Palace Hotel because I only had the mineral water today but this picture of one of the courtyards will probably give you the beginnings of an idea of what it's like.



   Yes, those are gold camels with gold Arabs on their backs.  There's one thing you can say for Dubai and that's that it's pure class...

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Designer booze for the discerning royal

I'm going to recount a little anecdote to take my mind off the fact that the accounts department for my main employer seem to think it's perfectly fine to pay me five days (and counting) late.

It's a cultural thing.  My pay needs to approved by one of the company owners and he's been away, as have many people, for the Eid break. Far be it from the accounts dept to bother working ahead, as we do in the UK at Christmas/bank holidays/to make sure we get paid on time or, indeed, bother to contact the boss themselves to make sure it goes through or even let me know that my pay might be late. No, better to wait until I discover said pay still hasn't arrived in my bank account and get on the phone grumpier than a troll with ant bites on its arse and then get me to chase around after said boss because of course I have nothing better to do with my time such as getting on with work/ranting on this blog.

This is one of those many points in life in the UAE when it's best to take a deep breath and remind yourself that this country is just under 40 years old and therefore there are, of course, fewer efficient systems in place to make sure that life as we in the West know it runs smoothly and that we just have to live with it and appreciate the lack of rain instead.

Anyhoo. On with the anecdote

My best beloved was about to clock off from work this morning when a High Up Important Airport Person sashayed into view saying: "A female member of the royal family of a state which doesn't totally ban drinking but doesn't encourage it which shall remain nameless (that's not exactly how he put it, obviously, but you get my point) would like to buy a bottle from you."

"Rightio, then, send the old duck in," quoth he (why do people become cockney in mind's eye? Is it because my mother was born within earshot of the Bow Bells? Who knows?)

"She would like to buy a bottle of Chivas Alexander McQueen and will send her representative shortly," said the High Up Important Person.

For the unitiated, this is bog standard Chivas but in a limited edition and in a bottle which was one of the last things designed by the late Mr McQueen.   A picture of said bottle can be seen here

"Gor blimey, strike a light, send them in, then, the Missus is waiting outside the airport revving Kevin the Toyota to take me home and I went to get out of here sharpish,"  he chuntered. Well, that's an approximation of what he chuntered. Knowing him it was probably some really polite chuntering.

"Nyes.  It would be better if you had a bag with no labelling," pointed out the High Up Important Person.

It's a funny old world, isn't it?  A member of a royal family hiding their booze inside a plain package like a park drinker with a bottle in a brown bag.  Well that's me distracted, I'm off to count the 33dirhams I currently have to my name. Oh, such riches are to be found in the Middle East! I'm teetering on a pile of oil cash, here, you know.